November 7, 2012

The baggage of Romance

I just watched this movie right now. 50 First Dates.
Okay, I know, I am very late. Don't get started on it.
But, I'm here to write something about it. [If I don't, I'll carry this heaviness for some days.]

So, the movie is about Henry Roth, a man afraid of commitment until he meets the beautiful Lucy. They hit it off and Henry think he's finally found the girl of his dreams, until he discovers that she has 
Goldfield's Syndrome, a short-term memory loss which makes her forget him the very next day of their first meet. (Yes, ouch!) 

She just remembers some October date, the day it was her father's birthday. The same day she meets with an accident. It was that that she can't create any new memories after the mishap. So, every day, to keep her away from the shock, her father and brother celebrate the same rituals of the father's birthday. It then shows how this doesn't stop Henry and he meets her in a different way (even after being warned by her bro and dad to keep away from her), wins her heart from the scratch. Every single day. Henry comes up with an idea to make a video explaining to Lucy her accident and their relationship and play it every morning for her.
At the end they marry, with Lucy every morning freaking out on how she is in a stranger's home (and bed) and he calming her down with the 'Good Morning Lucy' video tape. They even have a daughter! 

I mean, wow! Such a wonderful fantasy! 

But. Fantasy. Yes. 

That's where I want to make a point. 

I am perfectly happy being single or in a relationship, but these romantic movies are so beyond perfect that what you have, feels less already.
Everything is so beautiful, so smooth and we know, will be great at the end to make a perfect 'happy ending'. They are filled with handsome heroes, beautiful heroines, loads of love, hugs, kisses, cuddles, love making scenes, picturesque landscapes, beautiful homes and so many oh-I-want-to-live-this-fairy-tale fantasies that makes you hate what you have.
It also makes you feel sad. To name the silliest reason- It makes you feel sad because the movie reminded you of all that your boyfriend doesn't do for you.

When I watched P.S. I Love You, I was dreaming continuously for 2 days around and about some If's- IF I had a life like this or IF I had a guy like Gerry or IF I will get letters like those or IF I could fight and make up like that or IF I could take a trip to Ireland like that or IF somebody knew me that well or IF I was so much in love or IF, IF and IF... It was endless. Oh not to forget, the creepy thoughts of what IF I am left alone like this or what IF I'll be so dependent on him or what IF the person that can help me with recovering from the loss then is only him or what IF, IF and IF...This was endless too. 

Sure, you could tell me- It's just a movie, Pri. What's so much fuss about? or tell me that I am thinking wayy too much. Yes I am. But then, everybody does think. Mine just lasted longer to blog about it. 

I haven't yet watched If Only or The Notebook or Remember Me (to name a few). But, isn't it a good thing? 
Romantic movies, for me, are no good idea. Melodrama, sentiments, emotions, and longing- they bring in my life all sorts of clutter and excess baggage. Which is heavy too. 

October 10, 2012

R o l l e r c o a s t e r s

Roller Coasters. Hell of a ride.
They take you up to your maximum. Bring you down to your minimum. Mediocre levels too.
They strain you and stir you up. You begin to feel as if you'll never see another chance.
You scream out loud for help, but only you can listen to that.
And the public? They'll only get entertained by your ride.

Sometimes, all you can do through that time is- smile.
Just flash a nice, stunning smile towards the sky.
It will be hard.. Maybe very hard.
But at the end of the day, or the least, at the end of that phase, you'll come out smiling.
Trust Him, believe in yourself, hold on to your seat and smile through that r o l l e r c o a s t e r.
Because, the crux is- sooner or later, it is gonna STOP.


"I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it."

Oh and,
many times, in between all the roller coasters of your life, the person sitting next to you goes on to become your friend, and you happen to hold his hand on the journey back home.

Did you just think of somebody right now and smile? 

You lucky you! :)

September 21, 2012

Godammit! Writeee!!

Yes, this is what my instinct has been shouting out to me since some days.
Nor that I don't want to write or I'm running away from it but I just don't know why I am not writing.
Maybe laziness. Maybe lack of time. Oh wait! I have a lot of time. But then don't know what.
I sit and keep thinking. Keep thinking bout different perceptions of a single event or about a person or a happening. I find it all so interesting. And whenever I do, I (like a boss) make a mental note of blogging it. But, *sigh*

I love writing. It is a beautiful thing. It's the best way of expression. And it makes me feel light. And it's beautifully quoted by Mason Cooley-
"There are different rules for reading, for thinking, and for talking. Writing blends all three of them."

So here I am, to put up this poster for myself and remind myself that I need to stop framing my thoughts every time just in my mind and for goodness, write them down. Here, on my blog or in my diary.
Or at least save it in the notes of my phone? Hmmm. :)

Exactly what my writing must be saying to me! :P

September 4, 2012


Sometimes you cannot control all the situations of your life. You cannot be a control freak every single time. Things have to go wrong and people have to change. [As clichéd as it may sound, it's the way it (read, life) is.]
You have to go out of your way to face some things.
Yeah, so even if it hurts you and you have to hold yourself together while doing that, some decisions need to be taken and some stories should end.
People will change. Maybe, it's not their fault. Or maybe, it is. But in the end, you alone have to fight for yourself. And it's not like people don't give a damn about you.
They’d always be interested in your life. Remember, I said interested.
And that interest will multiply if your life is off track. #TrueStory
So why show the world you’re vulnerable?
One second! You’re not.

So stop underestimating. Stop demeaning. Stop giving the world your negativity. Stop analyzing things and please, stop finding a reason behind all the happenings of your life.
 You’re not God to know everything. Face the reality. Before that, accept it.
And let it go. Start living your life. Don’t just let it pass.

Talk to your best friend or to somebody from your family or to your close friends.
Cry your heart out. And then close those chapters then and there. You and your friend can maybe bonfire on them, you know! :)

But don’t carry it forward. Sustaining it will make heavy space in your mind and heart. Like they say, keep the glass down.
I agree it’s impossible to completely chuck it in the dustbin and move on. The memories linger. But then, why let the suitcase of bad memories lead?
Yeah, life is too short to wake up with regrets. And befittingly, Life is too short to cry over things that went wrong.
Count your blessings. And when you actually do that, you’ll be amazed at it’s intensity. And you’ll strike a happy realization of you being abundantly blessed.  

Go out! Celebrate good things, happy memories, wonderful people *only* and the power residing in YOU.
Celebrate and elevate yourself! 

PS, “Life is too short to spend your precious time trying to convince a person who wants to live in gloom and doom otherwise. Give lifting that person your best shot, but don't hang around long enough for his or her bad attitude to pull you down. Instead, surround yourself with optimistic people.”
-Zig Zigler

August 21, 2012


It was ten at night, I was washing the dishes and you were out in the living room watching the television. I could hear a new channel in every 2 minutes. You called out my name. "Ammyyy.."
You were calling out my name since past ten minutes and I had been replying 'coming' to every call.
You shouted again. "Amy!!!"
I got really startled and ran out to the living room only to listen to "At once leave whatever you're doing and come right here!"
I washed my hands, wiped them carelessly with the towel and rushed to you. 
"What happened Tan.."
You didn't let me speak and made me sit beside you. I had a craving beneath to question. But you signalled a no again and held my hands.
Your hands gave the world's warmth to my doing-dishes-at-ten frozen hands. I half-smiled. I was fixed. Perplexed.
You were looking straight into my eyes. I didn't know if you were asking some questions or were demanding some answers. I could SO see those words stuck in your heart. You tried to speak, but choked.
And then you did a thing that gave me a memory for ever.
You chose to kiss.
You chose the silent action over words.
While you cupped my face with both your hands, pushed the strands of my hair falling on my face behind my ears and brought your lips closer to mine, I had already felt your heart racing. I moved my hand closer to touch it. I couldn't get it. I couldn't get what was going on.
I wasn't being kissed for the first time. We were married for over one and a half years now. But this kiss was different - wayy different and special. Emotional. You kissed me gently but deeply. I felt the sadness in your gesture and then, I felt your tears on my cheeks. I wanted to pull back and ask you what was wrong, what was so disturbing but I thought it would be a bad idea. You'd talk when you'd want to. So I let the moment play its role then.
We kissed. We kissed more passionately. The intensity grew and we dug in the moment deeper.
Finally a sigh. Finally a breath out.
You hugged me tight. Hiding your face in me. I could feel your breath on my neck. I caressed you gently, thinking about what the reasons could be.
"Baby!", I whispered. "You okay?"
"Or want some more?"
You chuckled. Finally a smile. I sighed. I ruffled your hair. Your breath was heavy. I gently rubbed your back to calm you down. And suddenly, you shifted and laid your head in my lap and pulled my hand close to your heart and managed to speak, though in broken voice, "Babe, please put me to sleep!"
"Sure love."
And there! You curled up like a 4-year-old on our 3-seater sofa and fell asleep to my fondling within some five minutes.
It was a long day. I wanted to go and change, but I couldn't even think of letting go of your hands. You held them tightly.
So I sat there, looking at that face. One birthmark on your forehead shone on your fair skin. I could see the traces of dried tears on your cheeks. There were some fresh ones on mine.
You slept off, unaware of the turmoil you left me with and I stayed awake, unaware of the turmoil you were going through. 

If this post was a treat for you, I'm sure you'll also enjoy the guy's side of this story portrayed by an awesome blogger friend, Sahil. Do read that amazing post here.

August 15, 2012

21 Draw-outs

Disclaimer: My very own thoughts concluded after some experiences..
No offense, no cheating and no copying.
Thank you!

 1. Some people's only priority is THEIR convenience.

2. I'm in love with silence. Still love chattering all the time. :D

3. You deserve AND GET the best at the end.  :)

4. Your life. Never explain.

5. Some slaps directly on the face that too, hard, serve us well. Learn.

6. Fancy graphics don't make sales. But words do!

7. When you play a perfectionist in whatever you do, it's a sign of excellence. But when you start looking for perfection in others' jobs, you call for depression in both the lives. Yes, depression is the word.

8. Being good BACKFIRES badly. Like, seriously too badly.

9. Many times, in between all the roller coasters of your life, the person sitting next to you goes on to become your friend, and you happen to hold his hands on the journey back home. :)

10. You're as vulnerable as you decide.

11. Opposite values are complementary to each other. There can't be just heads or just tails or just happiness or just sorrows.

12. Failure in Exams, Failure in Love, and Failure in Career IS NOT EQUAL TO Failure in LIFE. 

13. Nothing would be put in your life if you were not able and strong enough to get through it.

14. If you can't devote your time and energy to workout, say a [capital] no to sweets. ;)

15. The decisions that make us unhappy for a short time but give long term happiness are the best decisions ever.
16. People are super afraid of other people. Be it even the known ones! [sad.]

17. Nobody is ready to leave there comfort zones and explore. [sad-er.]

18. People always expect a negative response first. [saddest] 

19. Nobody can stop you from keeping yourself happy, COME WHAT MAY HAPPEN. 

20. Your [r]Emote control is completely in your hands.

In spite of everything, everybody is actually good at heart. And life is still VERY beautiful!

August 6, 2012

Memories and their Irony

Out of boredom today afternoon, I went to my mailbox and started reading old mails. Yeah, my mind, like my closest friends, was warning in the background "Don't, girl! DON'T!"
But you know, dil hai ki maanta nahi!
So I went on reading the old mails. And chats.. One by one.

Some talked of regular stuff, some of assignments, some were filled with confessions, some written to my best friend, some mentioned the girly talks- the blue dress or the black one, some of sending new songs, some were formal letters, Resume, some showed how lucky I am to have some friends, some thank you notes, some unposted letters in drafts, some forwarded chats, some advertisements and so much more.

But between all these, I found a mail thread.
A thread which we both had sworn to never break.
A thread we had made each other promise to keep writing it be even a single line!
We knew we'd never break it. We were both so addicted to it! We use to share every single thing on it. From those li'l how-was-your-day to see-this messages, from songs to pictures, from gossips to laughter, from friendship to love, from crushes to heartbreaks, from college to home- we shared everything. there.

The last I saw of that thread was on 21st Jan.

And then a message from me on March 3rd- "Thought of dropping you a line on this thread! :)"
The reply to that read- " :) :)"

And that was it.
That was it to that thread, to that promise, to that bond. And to the ever lost connection.

I didn't even want to analyze what went wrong or how it could have been better. I didn't know what to do. I was just too much absorbed by the realization that things have changed SO much.

I wanted some answers. Though, wasn’t in a state to ask questions.

I've been told that reading old mails is a strict NO. Especially, the ones which open up some wounds.
Now I know why!

It instantly reminded me of a status update by a friend-
"U r bored, u chk random thngs, u find an old e-mail, u read it only to realize things [ppl] chng so much, da scene is al fresh agn, u regret 4 savin it, u still dnt feel lyk deletin though!!
nvr knew smthngs cn bothr us so mch!
ArGhH!! smtymes preservin "memories" ain't a gud idea!"

All I could do that time was make myself a cup of black coffee and go and sit in the balcony.
And fate had it; it was raining beautifully that time.
Rains and memories have one hell of a connection.

I wept. And thought. And thought more.

For one thought, memories are the most wonderful things ever.
For another, nothing hurts more than them.

May 23, 2012


My brother told me about an online contest that required a story framed within 55 words on a different theme every day. I tried with the theme 'Space/Spaces'. With themes 'Name' and 'Fear', I started enjoying it completely! 
For somebody like me who is so fond of writing in detail, it came as a surprise that I could start a story, introduce characters, do the climax and end it- all in just 55 words! :D
Here are a few of them on different themes. I'd love to have your feedback.

Theme- Name

I opened my diary and read a name. I realized I had a call to make, a mistake to mend and a relationship to rekindle. I dialed with hesitation. "Hello! R-R-Radhika?"
A hefty voice retorted, "She's in the kitchen at the moment; may I know who this is?"
Before he could ask me my name, I held up!


Theme- Airport

Lots of love, lots of fights. But gradually, only the fights remained. He decided to call it off. Li’l did he expect her to come running to stop him and then he’d call off boarding the flight.
And she did! But only, to bid him the last goodbye. She had actually called it off!


Theme- Alien

He talked of stuff that nobody else did. Behaved alien to people around him. Cynical, sarcastic and uncaring every time.  
Flip side:
He imagined like nobody else did. Dreamt of different dreams. Hid his emotions. Productive, mystique and smart every time.
Either way, I was right! This planet definitely didn’t create people like him.


Theme - Seduction


He had been following her from the door to the kitchen, to the balcony and finally to the bedroom. He was pinned to the wall. She was unbuttoning his shirt. Her long nails ran on his bare chest. Then came the love bite and he concluded that she was a goddess and her actions, pure seduction.


Theme - Night


Books. Photocopied notes. Studying.
Random pages. Print-outs. Projects.

Continuous SMS exchange. Mushy talks. Flirting.
FB. Profiles. Stalking.

Mind-boggling thoughts. Unlimited dreams. Fears and Hopes.
Pen. Diary. Feelings.
Maggi. Coffee. Chips.

Long talks. Frenzy feelings.  Glee.
Expectations. Wait. Tears.

The things which night starts it all and the things which end on the same.


Theme- Fear

Relationships broke. Things crashed. Grades degraded. Health deteriorated. Friends complained. Parents were worried. Every possible thing was going wrong in his life.
But he wasn’t afraid. One thing helped him survive. His belief in “Everything’s gonna be fine soon”.  Ironically, this li’l phrase turning out to be untrue was the only fear he lived with.

Theme- Relationships

She had brought her home as compensation to her dream of having a real cat as a pet. She used to sit and play with “Minnie” and tell her stories. Strange, but she herself doesn't know when she developed such connection with that li’l toy that it became a friend to talk to! 


Theme -Space 

11:38am: She checked her phone again and furiously kept it back. Half in sleep, half in anticipation, she had seen 8:24am on the watch ages back. She raged with frustration. It was the third consecutive morning and one of the many such mornings from the past. Perhaps, space was building in its space.


Theme - Catalyst


I had accepted the fact that I flunked a class but I wanted to prove everybody that I wasn’t a failure! So, I did score the next year then- 1st rank, topped the Commerce section and went on becoming the Head Girl at school. Strangely enough, but failure acted as a catalyst in my success story.


Theme - Dreams


Dreams are fictional. They can or cannot happen. You need not find any logic in them. Still, sometimes, you don't believe on your dreams. You think WTH! Or from where did you dream of this or how can this happen even if in a dream!
One such was living the life of a Navi on Pandora.



Theme - Letters


She held a letter in her hands. The scent of an old paper, some fond memories and that writing reminded her of herself back when she wrote letters to friends, to sisters and to her boyfriend. She still writes to them. But on Facebook or on Twitter.
Gone are the days of letters, she sighed!



April 9, 2012

Agitation and a li'l more

I heard the doorbell ring. And then a familiar voice followed.
Before I could ask my mum about whom it was on the door, my room's door was pushed and opened wildly.
There she stood. Clueless and blank. Also, being sorry about not knocking and just invading in like that. Though, I was seeing her after a long time, I exactly knew what she needed at that moment. She wasn't here today to share a cup of caffeine or to understand some Economics concepts. I stood up clearing all the book mess I had scattered around myself and immediately hugged her.

She again picked up her phone, checked it and furiously kept it back. It was 11:38 am and her phone hadn't rung still. Her eyes-half in sleep, half in anticipation had seen 8:24 am on the mobile phone's watch like centuries back.
Forget listening to the ringtone, the phone hadn't even beeped with a text either!
She realized that she had forgotten to thank God for this morning but still decided against it.
She raged with anger and some more frustration. It was the third consecutive morning and maybe one of the many more such mornings from the past.
But last night, she had promised to herself that she won't bother now.
But what about 'the' promises?
What about 'the' dreams?
Where is my part of happiness that was overflowing before some months?
More than anything else, what about my genuine expectations at this moment?
Bang! Bang! Bang! Boom!
Her mind reverted. Rather, her heart. and badly enough to moisten her eyes and then make those tears fall at an increasing speed.
She is a real strong girl and I could see right through that she had held herself together for long now. She was lonely, had nobody to talk to, to share her deep-seated feelings and fears with. Why? Then of course, with him being around, she didn't need anybody else. I too never complained to her that I missed our nonstop chit chat sessions or the time we spent in the balcony or on the terrace. She was happy in her new world and I just let it be like that. I recollected myself and realized we had more important issues to deal with. I looked at her and she looked back.
But what about today? What about now?
6 hours into his morning and 4 into mine, still he doesn't bother to make me feel this morning!

She brushed aside all these thoughts, painfully though, but realized and well, that she had a day to win.
The ice cubes in her favorite black grapes juice had melted and made the juice reach the glass brim. She knew if she picked it up, she'll have to handle it with utmost care.
She didn't touch those parathas or even the salty banana chips. Even my mum knew that this was the best breakfast she could have asked for. Still she didn't feel like eating.
Perhaps, the parathas and the black grape juice were not the only things that had lost their charm that day.

January 21, 2012

Getting familiar with the 'Unfamiliar Knock'

A lot happened over coffee! :)

I thought of the first e-mail that I had sent to him while I parked my Access.
And here I was, standing just a few steps away from the most common café of the town for a first planned meet.
I went in and chose the second table facing my back to the door. It is awkward to continuously see the door ['wait for someone'.]
I scanned around. There were less interesting people. Opposite to me, on the couch, was a couple lost in their talks. Rather, lost in the boy's talks. Yeah, the boy was doing the talking and the girl was occasionally giggling. A table away, two business men were talking. Gujjus they were. One of them was telling another about the recent property he had bought in.
I sent him a quick text message-'Reached. :) Where are you?'
'Will be there in five :)' came the reply.
Aah! I'm-prepared-and-confident artificial smiles those were. At least mine was. The waiter brought me the menu card with a big smile and an evening greeting. I could not reply back with more than a nod. Maybe, I was a li'l nervous but peculiarly, I was lost in some thoughts- How on Earth was I here?
I had never done this before. I had never even thought of being friends with a complete stranger. It felt creepy for some moments. I panicked. I fidgeted. I worried.
These thoughts that crept like a vine on me, made me wanted to leave that place at once. Nevertheless, I comforted myself with all the love (and fascinating excuses) and tried to look calm. I turned around at the door just to find him entering the cafe. We half smiled at each other. In the time, he took his seat.
Silence. I choked. He didn't speak either. For the next two minutes, I guess we both were just thinking what to say and where to start from.
It wasn't supposed to be like this, I had thought in my head all the way while coming from home. And neither I had planned and practiced about anything regarding this meet. What to do now, what not to do and my silly nightmares about this meeting-was all that started making a house in my mind.
We were in talks for quite some time now over calls, texts, chats, Facebook inbox messages. But man! It was hard when it became a face to face conversation.
Finally, we broke the ice. But trust me, those two to three minutes seemed like an hour to me.
We started talking. Regular stuff. Slowly we opened up and conversed like good old friends. From discussing about the menu of that café and comparing it with another to telling him about the Gujju men, we had a great chitchat. We ordered and chatted for another half an hour over the sizzling brownie.
I had decided not to draw conclusions from the first meet. But still, concluded one thing. It was about his smile. A wonderful smile it was. Oh, it is!

One thought that was echoing throughout was about his amazing vibes. He made me feel extremely comfortable. He didn't try to flatter me or blow his own trumpet. Polite, courteous, honest. He gave me ample space and whenever I spoke, he listened to me patiently. 
I too had a slight suspicion (like you) about it. But no, it wasn't a make-up for that first meeting or for that impression. And I'm sure as hell about this because I've now known him for more than 7 months and all this while, he has been just the same- just himself, just an awesome friend. Otherwise, it never takes long for a mask to fall off.