Grey

It's Sunday. Our day. The day where we lay in the bed for hours doing our own thing, until it's sunny and bright. By the time we leave the bed for our breakfast, our bed sheet is all crumpled. And we start bantering over who will cook and who will clean.

Today, the weather has been gloomy. And ever since the morning, we've been fighting. You're upset, and I really hurt. Did we really have to fight on a Sunday morning? You know how much I hate it.

Why haven't you kissed me yet already? Where are our rules of making up? Should I make you a cup of coffee? Why haven't you made me a cup yourself?! Fuck it. I don't wanna bother myself, so I'll pretend to work, while you pretend to read.

No… Don't go. Don't leave the bed...
Okay, the bathroom is an exception. We're both allowed pee breaks.

Yeah. You look better in the bed. 

Stay.

Each time you're stealing glances and fidgeting with your book, I want to hold you and help you calm down. Each time your legs are brushing against mine, there are goosebumps all over my body. I am dreaming of you throwing your book on the side table, coming close to me, putting my laptop aside and leaning in for a kiss. I am not just dreaming. You haven't left the bed yet. So I am hopeful.

Wait.

I can do that...

Credits: Tumblr

Yes. I am gonna do it. I am gonna stop writing this. I am gonna put my laptop away, get on top of you, put your book away, remove your glasses and pull you in a kiss. I'll nibble on your lips, suck on your tongue and kiss you deeply. I'll let my tongue roll all over your lips, inside your mouth and between your teeth.

Our coffees can wait. The cooking and cleaning can wait, too. I'll kiss you hard. I'll kiss you until you surrender — until you kiss me back harder. Until you push me on the bed and we find your tongue at our favorite place. Until the sheet is crumpled once more. Until only the sky is grey, and our hearts pink.

Full Circle

From where we stand, 

To where we end

Cutting off ties one by one

Distancing a bit on every turn

Letting love, not differences dissolve

Making it easy for ourselves to move on 

Coming to a full circle of life, are we?

From where we stand,

From where we begin

Gambling a string of emotions together

Trying to contemplate the way further

Letting a bit of our egos dissolve 

Letting a bit of each other evolve

Coming to a full circle of life, aren't we?

Only You

I wish you could see me right now. 
Because, only you would have noticed the details on my face. 
Only you.

If you would have, you would have noticed my lips before anything else.
And I would have seen the most honest smile of yours, as if you're proud of them. 
Or a naughty smile, about the thoughts of eating them already.
Either this, or you would have asked "You used a lip color, didn't you?"
And grinned about it.

You would have noticed my smile and would have said, "It's nothing in comparison to the smile you gave me in the room. That was the widest."

You would have noticed my teeth and smiled.

You would have noticed my hair. And like always, removed the band and loosened my curls.
You would have ruffled them, pushed a few strands of my hair on my face and then slowly tucked them behind my ear getting all romantic.

You would have noticed my dangling earrings and admired them. You would have even bent down a bit to kiss me below my right ear.

Or perhaps, you would have just noticed the extra kohl in my eyes today. 
And in a closer look, realized, it's smudged.

And then noticed the dried tears on the cheeks...

Saturday Night

Winter leads me to the fireplace

With some thoughts of you, a few poems from the past and this diary;
Perhaps tonight I will find some solace..

The week seeks its end
Like the heart seeks your voice.
But the threads have broken, the colors are now lost
And the heart's not okay either.
I guess, it's just trying to pretend..

The clouds cover the stars today
The tears are covered by the firelight.
Somehow, I know this revived darkness dwelling in me won't culminate..

Leaving some whispering words on your lips..
It used to be special always-
Every week, at the end, one Saturday night.  

Holding on!

While he was leaving, he stopped at the door, turned around and stepped forward.
We hugged.
I couldn't let go of him for some minutes.
We were talking while in that hug. Talking about how things will change in a matter of some 3-4 years and how we both won't be able to help it. I'll be gone. We could not be meeting. What when we'll need each other at times when we'll be low?
Conversations and messages will reduce. 'Keeping in contact' will fade sooner or later.
Of course, the love will stay. The bond cannot be changed ever. His place in my life cannot be replaced.
He's the best friend I've ever had. That fact is not gonna change.
But, come to think of it practically, everything will change.

I think I thought a million thoughts while being in that five minutes hug. But could share with him only ten of those thoughts.
Yes, the heart was so full that the eyes overflowed.

He sat me down. Tried calming me. I wasn't sad or upset. I had just got emotional.
He told me he had the best thing to cheer me up. And with that he pulled out a paper from his wallet.
A page that comes straight from his diary that we all had filled in when we were in class 9th...
He, since then, has kept that folded page as a souvenir in his wallet. 
That page dates back to 2007. And it still preserves my handwriting in black ink.
There! That guy had the best prick to burst the bubble of my emotions.
I held it for ten seconds. Just scanned it. Didn't have the courage to read it.
Still, the mere feel of that old paper and of that old cherished friendship made me break down..

And he? He was laughing hard looking at me crying like a baby..
I hit him several times and started laughing along.
I was stupidly switching between breaking into tears and breaking into laughter every ten seconds.
I was cursing him for showing me that page, loving him for staying, hitting him for laughing at me and just hugging him for no reason ..

You know,
there are moments in your life when you want the time to pause..
And there are moments when you want to capture a moment and lock it in an air tight jar so that you don't lose them ever..

I still don't know which one I would have opted for this particular moment I shared with him.

Some things are so beautiful that you are just left speechless.

(This story was shortlisted under the category of Flash Fiction for the online writing contest 'Wordweavers' held every year by the University of Mumbai's Department of English Alumni.)

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.

26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 

I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!
Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.
I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 

I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 

I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

A perpetual conversation

She couldn't go to the bed with a heavy heart. Her heart and brain were conversing so loud that she had to write it down. She picked up her new 2013 diary and scribbled along...

20th January 2013.
00:44 hours

Right now, I don't want to tell you how good this day was. I know I am one lazy ass.
I am grateful for today.
But, my heart is heavy and I can't really conclude the reason/s. I just had a chat with him on WhatsApp. I hate to admit this but he's one person I cannot stay mad at.
He was pissing me off with every next statement of his but I still continued the chat.
It's rude to hang up on somebody, no? Besides, his opinions really matter to me.
Then why does he has to say things that hurt me??
Argghh! I want to punch him, hold his collar and ask him what does he want!!
He can't talk straight to me ever? For once, tell me things sweetly? I wonder does he even has that side?!
Oh of course he does! Haven't you seen him when he gets all protective and caring for you? 
Whatever! You please don't consider his once-in-a-lifetime-gestures an achievement!
He must be concerned and worried himself...
Stop it girl! This angel voice is irritating me all the more!
*Silence*

The anger slowly turned into anguish.

I don't know what and how much I mean to him. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much. Or that why he means this much to me. I cannot even say things that confidently as he could say about me. How do I find it out after all?

But, he has been there!
Or maybe I've always dragged him along?
Or maybe I've always lived with this illusion?

I don't know!
I don't knowwwwww!!!
All this is so irritating. I don't even know what's irritating me exactly!
And that's more irritating! Damn!!

I want to know! 
I want to know what's with me and this mystery regarding him.
I. want. to. know.

Facets

It was ten at night, I was washing the dishes and you were out in the living room watching the television. I could hear a new channel in every 2 minutes. You called out my name. "Ammyyy.."

"Coming!"

You were calling out my name since past ten minutes and I had been replying 'coming' to every call.

You shouted again. "Amy!!!"

I got really startled and ran out to the living room only to listen to "At once leave whatever you're doing and come right here!"

I washed my hands, wiped them carelessly with the towel and rushed to you. 
"What happened Tan.."

"Shhhh.." 
You didn't let me speak and made me sit beside you. I had a craving beneath to question. But you signalled a no again and held my hands.

Your hands gave the world's warmth to my doing-dishes-at-ten frozen hands. I half-smiled. I was fixed. Perplexed.

You were looking straight into my eyes. I didn't know if you were asking some questions or were demanding some answers. I could SO see those words stuck in your heart. You tried to speak, but choked.

And then you did a thing that gave me a memory for ever.

You chose to kiss.

You chose the silent action over words.

While you cupped my face with both your hands, pushed the strands of my hair falling on my face behind my ears and brought your lips closer to mine, I had already felt your heart racing. I moved my hand closer to touch it. I couldn't get it. I couldn't get what was going on.

I wasn't being kissed for the first time. We were married for over one and a half years now. But this kiss was different - wayy different and special. Emotional. You kissed me gently but deeply. I felt the sadness in your gesture and then, I felt your tears on my cheeks. I wanted to pull back and ask you what was wrong, what was so disturbing but I thought it would be a bad idea. You'd talk when you'd want to. So I let the moment play its role then.

We kissed. We kissed more passionately. The intensity grew and we dug in the moment deeper.

Finally a sigh. Finally a breath out.

You hugged me tight. Hiding your face in me. I could feel your breath on my neck. I caressed you gently, thinking about what the reasons could be.

"Baby!", I whispered. "You okay?"

"Hmmm.."

"Or want some more?"

You chuckled. Finally a smile. I sighed. I ruffled your hair. Your breath was heavy. I gently rubbed your back to calm you down. And suddenly, you shifted and laid your head in my lap and pulled my hand close to your heart and managed to speak, though in broken voice, "Babe, please put me to sleep!"

"Sure love."

And there! You curled up like a 4-year-old on our 3-seater sofa and fell asleep to my fondling within some five minutes.

It was a long day. I wanted to go and change, but I couldn't even think of letting go of your hands. You held them tightly.
So I sat there, looking at that face. One birthmark on your forehead shone on your fair skin. I could see the traces of dried tears on your cheeks. There were some fresh ones on mine.

You slept off, unaware of the turmoil you left me with and I stayed awake, unaware of the turmoil you were going through. 

PS:
If this post was a treat for you, I'm sure you'll also enjoy the guy's side of this story portrayed by an awesome blogger friend, Sahil. Do read that amazing post here.
:)