February 13, 2013

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.
26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 
I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!

Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.

I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 
I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 
I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

February 6, 2013

A perpetual conversation

She couldn't go to the bed with a heavy heart. Her heart and brain were conversing so loud that she had to write it down. She picked up her new 2013 diary and scribbled along...

20th January 2013.
00:44 hours

Right now, I don't want to tell you how good this day was. I know I am one lazy ass.
I am grateful for today.
But, my heart is heavy and I can't really conclude the reason/s. I just had a chat with him on WhatsApp. I hate to admit this but he's one person I cannot stay mad at.
He was pissing me off with every next statement of his but I still continued the chat.
It's rude to hang up on somebody, no? Besides, his opinions really matter to me.
Then why does he has to say things that hurt me??
Argghh! I want to punch him, hold his collar and ask him what does he want!!
He can't talk straight to me ever? For once, tell me things sweetly? I wonder does he even has that side?!
Oh of course he does! Haven't you seen him when he gets all protective and caring for you? 

Whatever! You please don't consider his once-in-a-lifetime-gestures an achievement!
He must be concerned and worried himself...
Stop it girl! This angel voice is irritating me all the more!

The anger slowly turned into anguish.
I don't know what and how much I mean to him. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much. Or that why he means this much to me. I cannot even say things that confidently as he could say about me. How do I find it out after all?

But, he has been there!

Or maybe I've always dragged him along?
Or maybe I've always lived with this illusion?

I don't know!
I don't knowwwwww!!!
All this is so irritating. I don't even know what's irritating me exactly!
And that's more irritating! Damn!!

I want to know! 

I want to know what's with me and this mystery regarding him.
I. want. to. know.

February 3, 2013

Day 2

*The 30 Day Blog Challenge*

I named my blog "Ripples of my thoughts" because.. my blog. Haha. :D

Well, I like the concept of ripples. You just slightly touch the water and it sends out beautiful and long lasting ripples till the end.
I loved to fantasize this for my thoughts as well.
Watching the ripples happen or making them happen gives a strange and subtle joy -maybe I could term it contentedness- just like you get after watching a beautiful sunset or a pretty sunflower field.
My blog has always been the same for me. Hence the name. :)

Ripples captured on a drizzly evening at the terrace.

The thing that got me blogging is my passion for words.
I always wanted to write whatever thoughts I had running on my mind.
Facebook status updates were one way to express but that time it limited the update to 420 characters, which was very less for me. Especially when I had so much to tell every single time... 
Every time I wrote a status update, Facebook asked me to cut down on the characters. That was such a hard time! 
Somewhere, squeezing the update to 420 characters meant deleting some feelings too!

And so I started with my journey of blogging.
Every time I had something amazing or unusual happening in my life, I made a silent note in my mind to preserve it through my words.
Sometimes, I couldn't write it. The other times(/memories/thoughts) have been penned down in the form of various posts on this blog. :)
I wrote all this in my first post Words too. But, writing it all again has kind of motivated me to write more. Perhaps, it’s true that the more you stay in touch with the purpose of a goal, the more you work towards it.

And surely, for me, Boyzone gets it the best-

"It's only words, and words are all I have to take your heart away..."

February 1, 2013

Day 1

*The 30 Day Blog Challenge*

I thought a lot but couldn't come up with a good introduction. (Honest!)
So, for now, refer to my blogger profile.
Ten interesting facts:

1. I can tackle any situation except when I am hungry. Hunger makes me cranky.

2. I do not wear heels.

3. I am very particular about my things. Touch them without my permission, and you’ll be taken for a ride to hell. 

4. I absolutely love photographs. My whole life revolves around photographs. I don't remember things that well so I memorize them in pictures.

5. I can talk to anybody and everybody. Yes, if I am standing in a queue, I’ll break the ice and start talking to the person behind me. (The one standing ahead of me is usually never interested. I have no idea why!) I can practically start a conversation within 15 seconds.
Because, I don’t like the awkward silences. I like smiles and importantly, ease and comfort around. So I create it. Simple! And how much ever risky/stupid it sounds and seems, but I don’t hesitate to strike conversations with the co passengers, store owners, waiters and even the sabjiwalas.

6.  When I am alone and tensed and talking to myself aloud, I kind of start singing my sentences! (Okay, don’t laugh please!) 
I sing them in pattern and eventually forget about my problems. It happens subconsciously but I am sure I will draw out one song from that shit someday.

7. I believe in the philosophy that the best things in life come for free. [examples: starry nights, rains, laughter, hugs and kisses, etc.] :)

8. I multitask a lot. I can do a lot of jobs at one time efficiently. I can even talk with two people on different topics, even be angry at one and laugh at a joke with another-together. 

9. I can never give up on the words "Sorry" and "Thank you". Even if the friends get irritated.

10. I love love.

When I am at my best! 
Picture credits: Amol Khade