Grey

It's Sunday. Our day. The day where we lay in the bed for hours doing our own thing, until it's sunny and bright. By the time we leave the bed for our breakfast, our bed sheet is all crumpled. And we start bantering over who will cook and who will clean.

Today, the weather has been gloomy. And ever since the morning, we've been fighting. You're upset, and I really hurt. Did we really have to fight on a Sunday morning? You know how much I hate it.

Why haven't you kissed me yet already? Where are our rules of making up? Should I make you a cup of coffee? Why haven't you made me a cup yourself?! Fuck it. I don't wanna bother myself, so I'll pretend to work, while you pretend to read.

No… Don't go. Don't leave the bed...
Okay, the bathroom is an exception. We're both allowed pee breaks.

Yeah. You look better in the bed. 

Stay.

Each time you're stealing glances and fidgeting with your book, I want to hold you and help you calm down. Each time your legs are brushing against mine, there are goosebumps all over my body. I am dreaming of you throwing your book on the side table, coming close to me, putting my laptop aside and leaning in for a kiss. I am not just dreaming. You haven't left the bed yet. So I am hopeful.

Wait.

I can do that...

Credits: Tumblr

Yes. I am gonna do it. I am gonna stop writing this. I am gonna put my laptop away, get on top of you, put your book away, remove your glasses and pull you in a kiss. I'll nibble on your lips, suck on your tongue and kiss you deeply. I'll let my tongue roll all over your lips, inside your mouth and between your teeth.

Our coffees can wait. The cooking and cleaning can wait, too. I'll kiss you hard. I'll kiss you until you surrender — until you kiss me back harder. Until you push me on the bed and we find your tongue at our favorite place. Until the sheet is crumpled once more. Until only the sky is grey, and our hearts pink.

4 a. m.

Some nights remind me of the way I would turn to hold you and you'd be snoring away in peace. And just when I would be loving the pretty sight, you'd wake up like you never were sleeping in the first place.

 

Some nights take me back to the cosy feeling of having you by my side. It would make me miss you, but I rather keep the comfort of your memories closer, than brood over your absence.

Some nights are restless like the fidget after a fight – turning sides and sitting uptight. Lying down again to sleep, but feeling every ounce of the existing havoc. Sometimes, I even hear the rattles in the dreams and wake up aghast. 

Sometimes, there's a cloud hovering right above me, ready to just rip apart and drench me with the thoughts of how I'd survive without you. More of, how you'd survive without me. On some nights, there's rain in the bed, too.

But some nights, there's all of this.

The comfort, the longing.
The tears, the agony.
The love, the memories.
The moments, the pain.
And more. A lot more. 

But sleep's far, far out of sight.

Time After Time

There was dryness in the air. The colors of the flowers were lost. 

The jackets were packed and a final goodbye was made.

The winter was over. 

And before she could know, the sun started blazing!

Now, the sun would be blamed for all the tiffs. 

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was responsible for not noticing it enough..

However, it was over.

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was the only person who missed feeling spring this season...

My Alter Ego

This girl was just meant to happen to me. She walked in my life like she already belonged there. Just came in and fitted in the life's puzzle perfectly. Within a week, we struck a bond and we knew there's no looking back then...

We have an unbeatable chemistry. She's the 3 AM friend. I can talk my heart out to her. About silly moments and random people and she'll take it all. Understand what I exactly want to say and remember all those people too. We could talk non-stop. In fact, our conversations are the most beautiful element of our bond. From emotions to general knowledge, from social issues of the world to latest crushes; from spirituality to gossip and sweet somethings; from business updates to relationships, life, and shit; from secrets & friends to love, philosophies and family; from behaviors to arts, music and (Well, some I'd rather not mention here :P) — we can talk about any goddamn thing in the world. The best part is that I really don't have to explain her everything. She understand things on her own. And that too, exactly the way I would wanna tell her. Maybe, because she's like that too. Maybe, that's why I call her my alter ego.

With her, it has always been easy. very easy. No chaos, no misunderstandings, no cold wars, no communication gaps. We could fight openly, shout at each other with all the rights and we'd still know that nothing's gonna change. I know she'll always be there. For ever.

She's an inspiration and there's a hell lot of things to learn from her. (Persistence, execution of ideas and waking up early top the list.)

I would have said all this even on our convocation because even two full years is a very small time to spend with her. Abhi toh we gotta live all those dreams that we've seen together. (All the travel dreams are definitely happening.)
Yes, I am gonna miss her wayyyy too much. The void is gonna be there. But I'm beyond happy for her. She's gonna be where she always wanted to be. So today, when she's starting the journey of her dreams, I just wanna wish her all the best things under the sun.
I'm so proud of you! Give your best to that 'white uniform' and go, live your dreams! Big big bigggg hugs. Shine on, bitch! :*

We've had so many amazing memories together..
I'll cherish them forever!

And like I always say, 

Frooti, tu pyaar hai yaar. 

Saturday Night

Winter leads me to the fireplace

With some thoughts of you, a few poems from the past and this diary;
Perhaps tonight I will find some solace..

The week seeks its end
Like the heart seeks your voice.
But the threads have broken, the colors are now lost
And the heart's not okay either.
I guess, it's just trying to pretend..

The clouds cover the stars today
The tears are covered by the firelight.
Somehow, I know this revived darkness dwelling in me won't culminate..

Leaving some whispering words on your lips..
It used to be special always-
Every week, at the end, one Saturday night.  

Marine Drive

We both walked the promenade, and are now sitting on the pavement, facing the beautiful sea.
I am trying, to get you talk to me; but, it's all in vain. I am telling you my stupid stories. You chuckle a bit. But, again get back in the same mood. I am reading out our old chats to you, reminding you of a beautiful moment we shared. It doesn't affect you.

I go silent wondering my mistake might have been a huge one and that is why such reactions from you. I try to recall things from the last night's chat. I think that it was a petty thing. You really should have forgiven me. But, I look at you, and you look away. I know I'm not forgiven. 
I don't know what to do. It seems impossible to coax you into talking it out. I feel helpless.
I look at the sea and the city that has connected us.

I miss you talk. I miss you listen to my stories. I miss you react and want to listen more. And, I miss you talk about your office stories. Though, there really are none. All you keep telling me is that it was a boring day. I miss the non stop texting I had with you. I miss us both asking random and, sometimes, stupid questions; but answering all of them.
I miss...well, You. 
In a matter of just one day! Funny, this attachment!

I look at you again.. And somehow feel, I should leave you on your own.. 
Perhaps, you don't need this cajoling. Maybe, you don't want to talk, not today.
I feel like a drop in the ocean holding back to add in more.
I feel like a drop in your ocean holding back to push it more.

I give you a hug and leave without making an eye contact.
Even a midst all the noise around us — of the vendors, of the traffic, of the people — we both have nurtured personal commotions in our heads.

I do turn around only to see you looking at the sea.
Alas! I am losing it to your ego, one day at a time.

PS: You can read the guy's side of the story here. 

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.

26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 

I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!
Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.
I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 

I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 

I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

Facets

It was ten at night, I was washing the dishes and you were out in the living room watching the television. I could hear a new channel in every 2 minutes. You called out my name. "Ammyyy.."

"Coming!"

You were calling out my name since past ten minutes and I had been replying 'coming' to every call.

You shouted again. "Amy!!!"

I got really startled and ran out to the living room only to listen to "At once leave whatever you're doing and come right here!"

I washed my hands, wiped them carelessly with the towel and rushed to you. 
"What happened Tan.."

"Shhhh.." 
You didn't let me speak and made me sit beside you. I had a craving beneath to question. But you signalled a no again and held my hands.

Your hands gave the world's warmth to my doing-dishes-at-ten frozen hands. I half-smiled. I was fixed. Perplexed.

You were looking straight into my eyes. I didn't know if you were asking some questions or were demanding some answers. I could SO see those words stuck in your heart. You tried to speak, but choked.

And then you did a thing that gave me a memory for ever.

You chose to kiss.

You chose the silent action over words.

While you cupped my face with both your hands, pushed the strands of my hair falling on my face behind my ears and brought your lips closer to mine, I had already felt your heart racing. I moved my hand closer to touch it. I couldn't get it. I couldn't get what was going on.

I wasn't being kissed for the first time. We were married for over one and a half years now. But this kiss was different - wayy different and special. Emotional. You kissed me gently but deeply. I felt the sadness in your gesture and then, I felt your tears on my cheeks. I wanted to pull back and ask you what was wrong, what was so disturbing but I thought it would be a bad idea. You'd talk when you'd want to. So I let the moment play its role then.

We kissed. We kissed more passionately. The intensity grew and we dug in the moment deeper.

Finally a sigh. Finally a breath out.

You hugged me tight. Hiding your face in me. I could feel your breath on my neck. I caressed you gently, thinking about what the reasons could be.

"Baby!", I whispered. "You okay?"

"Hmmm.."

"Or want some more?"

You chuckled. Finally a smile. I sighed. I ruffled your hair. Your breath was heavy. I gently rubbed your back to calm you down. And suddenly, you shifted and laid your head in my lap and pulled my hand close to your heart and managed to speak, though in broken voice, "Babe, please put me to sleep!"

"Sure love."

And there! You curled up like a 4-year-old on our 3-seater sofa and fell asleep to my fondling within some five minutes.

It was a long day. I wanted to go and change, but I couldn't even think of letting go of your hands. You held them tightly.
So I sat there, looking at that face. One birthmark on your forehead shone on your fair skin. I could see the traces of dried tears on your cheeks. There were some fresh ones on mine.

You slept off, unaware of the turmoil you left me with and I stayed awake, unaware of the turmoil you were going through. 

PS:
If this post was a treat for you, I'm sure you'll also enjoy the guy's side of this story portrayed by an awesome blogger friend, Sahil. Do read that amazing post here.
:)