Marine Drive (The flip side.)

[Read the first part, the girl's words - here. 
These words are from the guy of the same story. Co -authored by a very very dear friend.]

You hugged me. The hug seemed like it was all over, like it was the last one that I'd ever get from you. I sensed it was all falling apart. You had started walking away. I gathered all the courage I could and called out your name.
The Marine Drive suddenly got a lot more freezing. Shivering breezes started flowing around, and you froze right at your spot, however, not ready to turn around. I ran to you, walked close and held on to your hand. 

I couldn't voice the words that the heart yearned to say -"Wait! Don't just walk out on me. Please?"
I just stood there, holding your hand, unable to utter a word still; looking into your eyes in a hope that you'd read mine.

Every day I wake up to your text, that one message which wishes me a Good Morning.
Today, I felt like I was missing something, missing a part of me perhaps.. It was that one message I was missing. Your message.
It felt incomplete. I felt completely lost.

Yesterday, it all just slipped away and I may have lost my control but I couldn't just tell you what I felt. I kept asking myself; whether I was too harsh on you, if I was right to be mad at you and not reply to your continuous texts and calls.
But, I was angry. It was not a petty issue. Maybe it was negligible for you; but for me, it was much more. I still can't just find a way to let you know how much I care for you. I just hope you'll understand. I know that I've hurt you, I shouldn't have over reacted.
But, sweetheart, I am sorry.. I really am!

Even I miss your nonstop chatter. I miss the way you make me listen to your endless random stories. I miss you pause when I react to some of your stories. And, I miss your chuckle at my "Ohh ho!".
Yes, I miss the nonstop texting I had.
I miss us both asking random and, sometimes, stupid questions; but answering all of them.
I miss...well, You.
In a matter of just one day! Amusing, this attachment!

I look at you. Again.. And somehow feel, that I shouldn't leave you on your own, not today..
Perhaps, you just need this cajoling. Maybe, you want me to make you talk.
I feel like if I don't try today, this would just add up to my regrets all the more.
I feel like if I don't make you stay today, I'd be pushing you away a lot more.

I give you a hug and whisper in your ears.
Even a midst all the noise around us — of the vendors, of the traffic, of the people — we both have found our own solace in each other's arms.

I do look up at the sky only to smile at it.
Alas! I am killing my ego, one day at a time.

Marine Drive

We both walked the promenade, and are now sitting on the pavement, facing the beautiful sea.
I am trying, to get you talk to me; but, it's all in vain. I am telling you my stupid stories. You chuckle a bit. But, again get back in the same mood. I am reading out our old chats to you, reminding you of a beautiful moment we shared. It doesn't affect you.

I go silent wondering my mistake might have been a huge one and that is why such reactions from you. I try to recall things from the last night's chat. I think that it was a petty thing. You really should have forgiven me. But, I look at you, and you look away. I know I'm not forgiven. 
I don't know what to do. It seems impossible to coax you into talking it out. I feel helpless.
I look at the sea and the city that has connected us.

I miss you talk. I miss you listen to my stories. I miss you react and want to listen more. And, I miss you talk about your office stories. Though, there really are none. All you keep telling me is that it was a boring day. I miss the non stop texting I had with you. I miss us both asking random and, sometimes, stupid questions; but answering all of them.
I miss...well, You. 
In a matter of just one day! Funny, this attachment!

I look at you again.. And somehow feel, I should leave you on your own.. 
Perhaps, you don't need this cajoling. Maybe, you don't want to talk, not today.
I feel like a drop in the ocean holding back to add in more.
I feel like a drop in your ocean holding back to push it more.

I give you a hug and leave without making an eye contact.
Even a midst all the noise around us — of the vendors, of the traffic, of the people — we both have nurtured personal commotions in our heads.

I do turn around only to see you looking at the sea.
Alas! I am losing it to your ego, one day at a time.

PS: You can read the guy's side of the story here. 

Holding on!

While he was leaving, he stopped at the door, turned around and stepped forward.
We hugged.
I couldn't let go of him for some minutes.
We were talking while in that hug. Talking about how things will change in a matter of some 3-4 years and how we both won't be able to help it. I'll be gone. We could not be meeting. What when we'll need each other at times when we'll be low?
Conversations and messages will reduce. 'Keeping in contact' will fade sooner or later.
Of course, the love will stay. The bond cannot be changed ever. His place in my life cannot be replaced.
He's the best friend I've ever had. That fact is not gonna change.
But, come to think of it practically, everything will change.

I think I thought a million thoughts while being in that five minutes hug. But could share with him only ten of those thoughts.
Yes, the heart was so full that the eyes overflowed.

He sat me down. Tried calming me. I wasn't sad or upset. I had just got emotional.
He told me he had the best thing to cheer me up. And with that he pulled out a paper from his wallet.
A page that comes straight from his diary that we all had filled in when we were in class 9th...
He, since then, has kept that folded page as a souvenir in his wallet. 
That page dates back to 2007. And it still preserves my handwriting in black ink.
There! That guy had the best prick to burst the bubble of my emotions.
I held it for ten seconds. Just scanned it. Didn't have the courage to read it.
Still, the mere feel of that old paper and of that old cherished friendship made me break down..

And he? He was laughing hard looking at me crying like a baby..
I hit him several times and started laughing along.
I was stupidly switching between breaking into tears and breaking into laughter every ten seconds.
I was cursing him for showing me that page, loving him for staying, hitting him for laughing at me and just hugging him for no reason ..

You know,
there are moments in your life when you want the time to pause..
And there are moments when you want to capture a moment and lock it in an air tight jar so that you don't lose them ever..

I still don't know which one I would have opted for this particular moment I shared with him.

Some things are so beautiful that you are just left speechless.

(This story was shortlisted under the category of Flash Fiction for the online writing contest 'Wordweavers' held every year by the University of Mumbai's Department of English Alumni.)

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.

26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 

I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!
Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.
I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 

I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 

I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

A perpetual conversation

She couldn't go to the bed with a heavy heart. Her heart and brain were conversing so loud that she had to write it down. She picked up her new 2013 diary and scribbled along...

20th January 2013.
00:44 hours

Right now, I don't want to tell you how good this day was. I know I am one lazy ass.
I am grateful for today.
But, my heart is heavy and I can't really conclude the reason/s. I just had a chat with him on WhatsApp. I hate to admit this but he's one person I cannot stay mad at.
He was pissing me off with every next statement of his but I still continued the chat.
It's rude to hang up on somebody, no? Besides, his opinions really matter to me.
Then why does he has to say things that hurt me??
Argghh! I want to punch him, hold his collar and ask him what does he want!!
He can't talk straight to me ever? For once, tell me things sweetly? I wonder does he even has that side?!
Oh of course he does! Haven't you seen him when he gets all protective and caring for you? 
Whatever! You please don't consider his once-in-a-lifetime-gestures an achievement!
He must be concerned and worried himself...
Stop it girl! This angel voice is irritating me all the more!
*Silence*

The anger slowly turned into anguish.

I don't know what and how much I mean to him. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much. Or that why he means this much to me. I cannot even say things that confidently as he could say about me. How do I find it out after all?

But, he has been there!
Or maybe I've always dragged him along?
Or maybe I've always lived with this illusion?

I don't know!
I don't knowwwwww!!!
All this is so irritating. I don't even know what's irritating me exactly!
And that's more irritating! Damn!!

I want to know! 
I want to know what's with me and this mystery regarding him.
I. want. to. know.