4 a. m.

Some nights remind me of the way I would turn to hold you and you'd be snoring away in peace. And just when I would be loving the pretty sight, you'd wake up like you never were sleeping in the first place.

 

Some nights take me back to the cosy feeling of having you by my side. It would make me miss you, but I rather keep the comfort of your memories closer, than brood over your absence.

Some nights are restless like the fidget after a fight – turning sides and sitting uptight. Lying down again to sleep, but feeling every ounce of the existing havoc. Sometimes, I even hear the rattles in the dreams and wake up aghast. 

Sometimes, there's a cloud hovering right above me, ready to just rip apart and drench me with the thoughts of how I'd survive without you. More of, how you'd survive without me. On some nights, there's rain in the bed, too.

But some nights, there's all of this.

The comfort, the longing.
The tears, the agony.
The love, the memories.
The moments, the pain.
And more. A lot more. 

But sleep's far, far out of sight.

Full Circle

From where we stand, 

To where we end

Cutting off ties one by one

Distancing a bit on every turn

Letting love, not differences dissolve

Making it easy for ourselves to move on 

Coming to a full circle of life, are we?

From where we stand,

From where we begin

Gambling a string of emotions together

Trying to contemplate the way further

Letting a bit of our egos dissolve 

Letting a bit of each other evolve

Coming to a full circle of life, aren't we?

Saturday Night

Winter leads me to the fireplace

With some thoughts of you, a few poems from the past and this diary;
Perhaps tonight I will find some solace..

The week seeks its end
Like the heart seeks your voice.
But the threads have broken, the colors are now lost
And the heart's not okay either.
I guess, it's just trying to pretend..

The clouds cover the stars today
The tears are covered by the firelight.
Somehow, I know this revived darkness dwelling in me won't culminate..

Leaving some whispering words on your lips..
It used to be special always-
Every week, at the end, one Saturday night.  

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.

26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 

I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!
Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.
I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 

I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 

I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

A perpetual conversation

She couldn't go to the bed with a heavy heart. Her heart and brain were conversing so loud that she had to write it down. She picked up her new 2013 diary and scribbled along...

20th January 2013.
00:44 hours

Right now, I don't want to tell you how good this day was. I know I am one lazy ass.
I am grateful for today.
But, my heart is heavy and I can't really conclude the reason/s. I just had a chat with him on WhatsApp. I hate to admit this but he's one person I cannot stay mad at.
He was pissing me off with every next statement of his but I still continued the chat.
It's rude to hang up on somebody, no? Besides, his opinions really matter to me.
Then why does he has to say things that hurt me??
Argghh! I want to punch him, hold his collar and ask him what does he want!!
He can't talk straight to me ever? For once, tell me things sweetly? I wonder does he even has that side?!
Oh of course he does! Haven't you seen him when he gets all protective and caring for you? 
Whatever! You please don't consider his once-in-a-lifetime-gestures an achievement!
He must be concerned and worried himself...
Stop it girl! This angel voice is irritating me all the more!
*Silence*

The anger slowly turned into anguish.

I don't know what and how much I mean to him. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much. Or that why he means this much to me. I cannot even say things that confidently as he could say about me. How do I find it out after all?

But, he has been there!
Or maybe I've always dragged him along?
Or maybe I've always lived with this illusion?

I don't know!
I don't knowwwwww!!!
All this is so irritating. I don't even know what's irritating me exactly!
And that's more irritating! Damn!!

I want to know! 
I want to know what's with me and this mystery regarding him.
I. want. to. know.