Grey

It's Sunday. Our day. The day where we lay in the bed for hours doing our own thing, until it's sunny and bright. By the time we leave the bed for our breakfast, our bed sheet is all crumpled. And we start bantering over who will cook and who will clean.

Today, the weather has been gloomy. And ever since the morning, we've been fighting. You're upset, and I really hurt. Did we really have to fight on a Sunday morning? You know how much I hate it.

Why haven't you kissed me yet already? Where are our rules of making up? Should I make you a cup of coffee? Why haven't you made me a cup yourself?! Fuck it. I don't wanna bother myself, so I'll pretend to work, while you pretend to read.

No… Don't go. Don't leave the bed...
Okay, the bathroom is an exception. We're both allowed pee breaks.

Yeah. You look better in the bed. 

Stay.

Each time you're stealing glances and fidgeting with your book, I want to hold you and help you calm down. Each time your legs are brushing against mine, there are goosebumps all over my body. I am dreaming of you throwing your book on the side table, coming close to me, putting my laptop aside and leaning in for a kiss. I am not just dreaming. You haven't left the bed yet. So I am hopeful.

Wait.

I can do that...

Credits: Tumblr

Yes. I am gonna do it. I am gonna stop writing this. I am gonna put my laptop away, get on top of you, put your book away, remove your glasses and pull you in a kiss. I'll nibble on your lips, suck on your tongue and kiss you deeply. I'll let my tongue roll all over your lips, inside your mouth and between your teeth.

Our coffees can wait. The cooking and cleaning can wait, too. I'll kiss you hard. I'll kiss you until you surrender — until you kiss me back harder. Until you push me on the bed and we find your tongue at our favorite place. Until the sheet is crumpled once more. Until only the sky is grey, and our hearts pink.

About this not-so-accidental Project called Mitti

Log in.

I had been hanging out at this new cafè for 3 days straight. Had been almost a year working with Mocha, had taken quite a few trips, and had researched quite a bit on cafè cultures across the cities I had traveled to. So when I sat down on that single couch, under the Fire & Ice poem reading the book Asura, I had strongly felt that this place had the vibes that I'd wanna stay with. Also, had the potential to be different than all the other cafès of the city.

The 4th day, it was only accidentally, that I learned about Mitti looking for a social media manager. But I think it wasn't purely accidental. It was serendipitous. I kinda invited Mitti in my life. And totally walked the red carpet into this experience myself.

I was on board after 20 days of its opening. The inception of branding had just begun. Since then, it's been a journey of almost two and a half years with Mitti. Very quietly, it became the thing I would wake up looking forward to every morning.

I love everything about it - the logo, the menu, the food, the culture, the people I met via it, the concept, the chai, and the space it gave me to experiment and learn.

From thoughts and social media concepts to design and communication branding, from menu development and events to chilling with regulars and all the third party dealings, from events ranging from Improv Music eve to Writers' Jam, from me taking over the mic to me crying on the center table :P, from me assisting on shoots to me creating a social media presence that became the talk of the town — I've been so invested that it feels like my baby!

Gave it my blood and sweat, my soul and heart and I love — absolutely LOVE — how Mitti reflects all of it.

This project will forever be close to my heart. Now as I wind this up, I can only think of how I shaped it, and also, how it shaped me.

Creating this brand has been a crazy energy ride – an overwhelming rollercoaster, my personal creative space and also, an absolute pleasure.

Logging out.

(Check out my social media branding work, campaigns, ideas here @mitticafe)

Owning 28

Picture from my birthday dinner :)

I turned twenty-eight this year.

For the past three years, I have felt the fear in my heart related to my age. I had started repelling the thoughts about being 25/26/27 yo and experienced an awkwardness when anybody talked or asked me about it. I guess conditioning is deep-rooted in our systems. We're all expected to marry at a certain age/settle in our careers/think about managing a household/know how to cook meals/earn good/think in a certain way, in a certain direction/worry about growing older/changing skin, hair, body, hormones/worry about not finding a partner/worry about not being able to find one/be a part of everything/do all the conventional things, etc. etc. Basically, being fine AF to put up a show anywhere we go. Ugh. Age is not just a number, apparently. A lot of things are involved here.

But, over the same three years, I started focusing more on my own self. One thing at a time. I slowly started discovering the dainty details about my personality and my thought process. Some observations happened accidentally, some were too striking. I observed how I respond to hatred, to mean comments, to love and how I actually feel when I am approached by someone randomly at a cafe. Ah. Do I really want to give them my number? No.

I now know I do not procrastinate everything - only workouts. I know how exactly I crumble inside while listening to/reading humans behaving insensitively with nature and with animals. I grew up a vegetarian because of the home environment, but I questioned, researched, talked to a lot of people only to figure I am a vegetarian by choice because I really feel close to the animals, and eating them is not something I'd ever prefer.

I learned that I am paranoid about locking the car as soon as I get in, but not paranoid about anybody driving rash around me, or even trucks and buses sharing the same road/lane. I was, at one point, but not anymore. I am a confident and skilled driver, but I am scared about somebody randomly opening my car door.

I figured some food allergies and also the fact that panic is not my first reaction in a stressful situation, I am really graceful under pressure. But a closed one saying one negative word would put my heart on a race.

I basically am discovering how I function in life and even how exactly I like my silly lemon soda. 

It's an amusing process. And it's ever so ongoing. I'm seeing it, observing it and acknowledging things as a third person even, at times. It needs watering with good feelings–regularly, it needs building a strong support system–people to fall back on, it needs forgiveness and a heart as light as a box of tissues, and as warm as gooey brownies. It requires you to be gentle with yourself.

I am kinda on the other side of the grass–rather of this garden I've planted, you know. I feel relaxed. I am in sync with myself and I am moving at my own pace. I am not bothered about turning twenty-eight and I won't shy away from talking about it now. I, in fact, feel good to be twenty-eight. Investing in myself has made me confident and crazy. And this awareness of self has brought me more life and less rush. 

In retrospect, I see how well I've evolved. It makes me feel good, and proud, and happy. It makes me feel close to myself. I trust myself with my life more now, I don't freak out much–even if I do, I can calm myself down easily. I deal with people better because I'm at peace with myself.

I never thought I'd think all this or like this in my early twenties. At that time, a single thought of late-twenties used to freak me out. Haha. But here I am and trust me, it's all chill.

It may sound alien or fancy or aspirational or the feelings might just sound basic. But these just sound mine to me. I have me. And I think that is the most beautiful thing ever.

4 a. m.

Some nights remind me of the way I would turn to hold you and you'd be snoring away in peace. And just when I would be loving the pretty sight, you'd wake up like you never were sleeping in the first place.

 

Some nights take me back to the cosy feeling of having you by my side. It would make me miss you, but I rather keep the comfort of your memories closer, than brood over your absence.

Some nights are restless like the fidget after a fight – turning sides and sitting uptight. Lying down again to sleep, but feeling every ounce of the existing havoc. Sometimes, I even hear the rattles in the dreams and wake up aghast. 

Sometimes, there's a cloud hovering right above me, ready to just rip apart and drench me with the thoughts of how I'd survive without you. More of, how you'd survive without me. On some nights, there's rain in the bed, too.

But some nights, there's all of this.

The comfort, the longing.
The tears, the agony.
The love, the memories.
The moments, the pain.
And more. A lot more. 

But sleep's far, far out of sight.

Full Circle

From where we stand, 

To where we end

Cutting off ties one by one

Distancing a bit on every turn

Letting love, not differences dissolve

Making it easy for ourselves to move on 

Coming to a full circle of life, are we?

From where we stand,

From where we begin

Gambling a string of emotions together

Trying to contemplate the way further

Letting a bit of our egos dissolve 

Letting a bit of each other evolve

Coming to a full circle of life, aren't we?

To the Cafés of Indore

To the Cafés of Indore,

You beautifully done places, how have you been?
How has the footfall been recently? Is it good, like the time you opened up? Or the new café round the corner has stolen your thunder? Never mind! Another café will be taking it's place sooner.

I am sure you must be still shining with all those fancy lights in the evening. But you guys need to hide (read, remove) that dingy lil painting now. Your couches are wearing out too. Take care of yourselves, no?

How is Ms. Kitchen doing? Serving the same old items? Whatever happened to new introductions and "today's special" gestures?
And OMG! I totally forgot, whatever happened to taste? Stopped serving it all of a sudden, didn't we?

I come here for a freshly brewed machine coffee. Also, nicely done coffee. The one you proudly show in the amazing pictures in your ads. Get me? The one that has hearts and trees and butterflies and bees on them. Oh those pictures are from the internet? Oops, my bad.

Let's skip talking about the core authentic food already... but even the taste of your pizzas and pastas, burgers and noodles is also so Indian. I love my country and I'm proud of it's rich and varied heritage, much inspired are we?
And talk about the quantity of your food. It's not even stomach-filling yaa.. Nevertheless, you conveniently charge a bomb for it.

Have you ever thought of the music you play? The music has to be soft and melodious.. But you'd play Honey Singh or similar. Like seriously, who plays Dope-shope and Chittiyaan Kallaiyaan in a café?
Sab khairiyat toh hai na, bhai?

Oh and your people who get us the menu card and come to take the orders, have they been captured straight from the jail? No? I thought so because they can't even be nice.
Forget having knowledge about what they have on the menu!

Your sofas have sunken-ed in, the menu cards are in bits and the tables are not really clean. But who cares? Your guests are here for coffee.. Which is not made that well, but well, again, who cares?
The customers are used to it. Nobody complains. So it's okay, right?
Some of you do have a suggestion box / diary though. (Covered with dust, never paid attention to, etc.)

Dear Café Owners,
Have you ever visited your café through somebody else's eye?
I bet, anybody would tell you how much you NEED to train your staff.
I am sure you must have tasted stuff to keep a check but most of the times, I think you take your customers - people who give you business and also, keep you in business - way too lightly.
Café business is just not about coffee and food. People visit cafés for experiences.
Don't forget that if even a couple of bad experiences are able to voice out well, they can cost you a fall.

Value the visitors, make good coffee and food, serve them quality, play soft and beautiful music, and maybe keep a book or two for the solo visitors?
Make our experience worthwhile of the money we are ready to spend. And I don't know if I can stress this enough, but at least please train your staff to greet, be nice and most importantly, smile at the visitors?

In expectation of better things and times ahead,
Priyanka.

Time After Time

There was dryness in the air. The colors of the flowers were lost. 

The jackets were packed and a final goodbye was made.

The winter was over. 

And before she could know, the sun started blazing!

Now, the sun would be blamed for all the tiffs. 

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was responsible for not noticing it enough..

However, it was over.

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was the only person who missed feeling spring this season...

My Alter Ego

This girl was just meant to happen to me. She walked in my life like she already belonged there. Just came in and fitted in the life's puzzle perfectly. Within a week, we struck a bond and we knew there's no looking back then...

We have an unbeatable chemistry. She's the 3 AM friend. I can talk my heart out to her. About silly moments and random people and she'll take it all. Understand what I exactly want to say and remember all those people too. We could talk non-stop. In fact, our conversations are the most beautiful element of our bond. From emotions to general knowledge, from social issues of the world to latest crushes; from spirituality to gossip and sweet somethings; from business updates to relationships, life, and shit; from secrets & friends to love, philosophies and family; from behaviors to arts, music and (Well, some I'd rather not mention here :P) — we can talk about any goddamn thing in the world. The best part is that I really don't have to explain her everything. She understand things on her own. And that too, exactly the way I would wanna tell her. Maybe, because she's like that too. Maybe, that's why I call her my alter ego.

With her, it has always been easy. very easy. No chaos, no misunderstandings, no cold wars, no communication gaps. We could fight openly, shout at each other with all the rights and we'd still know that nothing's gonna change. I know she'll always be there. For ever.

She's an inspiration and there's a hell lot of things to learn from her. (Persistence, execution of ideas and waking up early top the list.)

I would have said all this even on our convocation because even two full years is a very small time to spend with her. Abhi toh we gotta live all those dreams that we've seen together. (All the travel dreams are definitely happening.)
Yes, I am gonna miss her wayyyy too much. The void is gonna be there. But I'm beyond happy for her. She's gonna be where she always wanted to be. So today, when she's starting the journey of her dreams, I just wanna wish her all the best things under the sun.
I'm so proud of you! Give your best to that 'white uniform' and go, live your dreams! Big big bigggg hugs. Shine on, bitch! :*

We've had so many amazing memories together..
I'll cherish them forever!

And like I always say, 

Frooti, tu pyaar hai yaar. 

Only You

I wish you could see me right now. 
Because, only you would have noticed the details on my face. 
Only you.

If you would have, you would have noticed my lips before anything else.
And I would have seen the most honest smile of yours, as if you're proud of them. 
Or a naughty smile, about the thoughts of eating them already.
Either this, or you would have asked "You used a lip color, didn't you?"
And grinned about it.

You would have noticed my smile and would have said, "It's nothing in comparison to the smile you gave me in the room. That was the widest."

You would have noticed my teeth and smiled.

You would have noticed my hair. And like always, removed the band and loosened my curls.
You would have ruffled them, pushed a few strands of my hair on my face and then slowly tucked them behind my ear getting all romantic.

You would have noticed my dangling earrings and admired them. You would have even bent down a bit to kiss me below my right ear.

Or perhaps, you would have just noticed the extra kohl in my eyes today. 
And in a closer look, realized, it's smudged.

And then noticed the dried tears on the cheeks...

Saturday Night

Winter leads me to the fireplace

With some thoughts of you, a few poems from the past and this diary;
Perhaps tonight I will find some solace..

The week seeks its end
Like the heart seeks your voice.
But the threads have broken, the colors are now lost
And the heart's not okay either.
I guess, it's just trying to pretend..

The clouds cover the stars today
The tears are covered by the firelight.
Somehow, I know this revived darkness dwelling in me won't culminate..

Leaving some whispering words on your lips..
It used to be special always-
Every week, at the end, one Saturday night.  

Day 3

Part of the *The 30 Day blog Challenge*

Day 3 - My favorite TV serials.

I had taken up this challenge long back but dropped it. Now continuing. 
It's gonna be a trip down the memory lane. :)

           1. Rishta.Com

When the Yash Raj Films stepped down into the television industry,they created not one, not two, but a whole bundle of amazing TV series.
Among all those, Rishta.com will always top my list.
The chic, sincere, well organised, workaholic Isha (Shruti Seth) and the hot, witty, flirty, never-ready-for-commitment Rohan (Kavi Shastri) made the perfect bosses of this matrimonial agency, Rishta.com.
I personally loved this series for two reasons-
One: The beautiful portraying of Isha and Rohan's different perceptions about the life and situations. Total opposite personalities but, the bond rocked. 
Not to forget, their verbal wrestles were a total hit for me.

Two: The way they showed different Indian men, women, families and rishteys and the whole concept of arranged marriages. Also, varied mindsets and ideologies of Indian people and culture was interestingly put up.
Okayy! Make it three! Because you just cannot miss Kavi Shastri - his hot personality, his witty sense of humor and of course, his accent. Oh and also his smile, his charm, his way with girls, and his .. you see, I can go on and on and on. I still have a bigg crush on him and it will last forever. :P
No kidding! I have downloaded the entire series for him! [Those interested, can contact me! ;)]

    2. Seven

This TV series was an exotic one.
It showed seven ordinary people- Asmin, Haryaksh, Drishika, Mastishk, Varya, Eklavya and Hriday- bestowed with different extra ordinary powers to fight against the evil on earth and solving the Ashvamedh prophesy in connection to Mahabharata. With the help of the nine books that taught them nine new abilities and powers, and their two guardians Shunya and Shlok, they defeat the villain Asht and return back to their normal life after Shlok deletes their memory.
The symbiosis of mystery, mythology, puzzles, modern characters and philosophy was enough for a prolonged contemplation! I loved it.

          3. Mahi Way

Who on earth can't relate to Mahi's character? If you have seen this serial, I am sure, at some point, even you felt that it was your heart speaking up in Mahi's voice. Whether it was her battle at office with her boss Ramona or her colleagues Sona & Mona; or her love/crush/relationship issues with Ishaan and Shiv- it all seemed so real. There were things that you could totally relate too. Her relationship with her high-on-pride sister, her younger brother, her parents and her friends Sid and Roshni were just, like picked up from our lives. The best parts were with no doubt her in-her-head conversations. Just like her, we all think that way.. But never admit it in public or even to ourselves with pride.

4. Sarabhai v/s Sarabhai

Reading the name itself brings a huge smile to our faces. Do I even need to say more about this show? :D
I'll just leave this with a treasure - you can have a ROFL while again watching the entire series here. Absolute gold. You can thank me later! ;)


       5. The Disney Hour

This list will be incomplete without this one. The Disney Hour with Vishal Malhotra. Aired on Sony Channel in the late 90's, this show was one of those serials we all grew up watching. Cartoons like Duck Tales, Chip n' Dales, Adventures of the Gummi Bears, Talespin, Timon and Pumbaa, Little Mermaid, Alladin, 101 Dalmatians, Hercules, Mickey Mouse, etc. fascinated me so much. And then Vishal used to read out letters from viewers and distribute Disney goodies. Aah! Good old days and fond memories! :D 

Talk to the hand.

I have no huge story of how we became friends.
It was the first semester of our graduation. August 2010.
After one of the last lecture of one of the initial days of August, while we were moving out of our class, I noticed he was walking right behind me. I made up my mind, just turned around and said,
"Hi! I am Priyanka."
"Hi! Sahil."
We shook hands and started talking on the way to the parking. From that day, we haven't stopped ever!
We talk and blabber and debate and argue and bore each other till death. Because mutual pakana is important!
We can talk about anything and everything under the sun. And have conversations that only we both can understand while sitting in a group. (Yes! I know, I know that's rude. But nobody else seems to understand what we are talking about. :P)
We make the best team for projects, assignments. Probably because, hamare nakhre sirf ham dono hi jhel sakte hain. Baki koi toh hamare naam ki supari de dega. :P 

As he keeps saying this all the time!

He has to make fun of everything I do.
Three years of graduation have made me realize that this guy is just impossible!
I just keep praying to God for these two more years of post graduation now. :P

Yes, I have a million and ten complains with this guy. 

[Please start coming for movies on time!]
But then again, those are written on a never ending scroll, neatly rolled and dumped in the sea because it doesn't matter. For I know, he'll be there always.
We all have that one person whom we call stupid names, abuse in their face, 

keep bickering with all the time but adore them to death. 

I guess, best friends are like that!

So this one's for you, bitch! Today when you turn.. what 47? I wish you all the happiness of the world.

Stay awesome! Happy Birthday! :D
Oh and he, also, is a blogger (His Blog). :)

Doomed

Our country is a funny one. Actually, people here are funny. 
Everybody will go around calling Manmohan Singh “mute”, “Sonia Gandhi’s puppet”, etc., but when questioned, we won’t even know the reasons why he is where he is or simpler, even his powers. 
When questioned about how Congress is formed, we go blank but we abuse them openly. 
When Sachin Tendulkar played, made records, and won laurels for the country, he was made the God. But we wanted him to retire because he was aging. 
Mahendra Singh Dhoni was the best captain team India could ever have until we lost some series back to back. We think Akshay Kumar is an entertainer, but not an actor. 
It's so easy to question a classmate's or a colleague's character if we know of their drinking/ smoking habits. A friend who has loved and lost or cheated upon or got ditched and that's why has been dating more than a couple of people is easily tagged with various names that I wouldn't want to mention here. 
A boy and a girl sitting in a coffee shop have to be a couple always. Why they being friends or simply cousins are faraway thoughts? 
And if we see any mis-matched couple on a marriage reception stage, we immediately assume, “Love Marriage hogi!” or “Dahej kam dena pada hoga!” or any other silly reasons. 
Sorry, judgments.
What I really want to say by quoting these examples is that we people, judge anything and everything. It seems we have taken the freedom of expression way too seriously. As if, it’s a ritual!
We could go and bag the Nobel Prize for it. (If there will be one such ever.)
We have a habit of giving out our opinions regarding anything, whether asked or not for it. We just want to say because we want to be seen or noticed or considered a part of the group. We won’t ever have valid points to debate but will keep on shouting just for the sake of it.
It is true that we have a real hard time accepting things as and what they are. Be it be anything.

I guess before concluding anything about anyone, one should really not be cynical. And we shouldn't bind ourselves to judgments. After all, we hardly know about their journey.

Logon ki aadatien galat ho iska matlab ye nahi ki log bhi galat hote hain..

Issued in public interest. ;)

Marine Drive (The flip side.)

[Read the first part, the girl's words - here. 
These words are from the guy of the same story. Co -authored by a very very dear friend.]

You hugged me. The hug seemed like it was all over, like it was the last one that I'd ever get from you. I sensed it was all falling apart. You had started walking away. I gathered all the courage I could and called out your name.
The Marine Drive suddenly got a lot more freezing. Shivering breezes started flowing around, and you froze right at your spot, however, not ready to turn around. I ran to you, walked close and held on to your hand. 

I couldn't voice the words that the heart yearned to say -"Wait! Don't just walk out on me. Please?"
I just stood there, holding your hand, unable to utter a word still; looking into your eyes in a hope that you'd read mine.

Every day I wake up to your text, that one message which wishes me a Good Morning.
Today, I felt like I was missing something, missing a part of me perhaps.. It was that one message I was missing. Your message.
It felt incomplete. I felt completely lost.

Yesterday, it all just slipped away and I may have lost my control but I couldn't just tell you what I felt. I kept asking myself; whether I was too harsh on you, if I was right to be mad at you and not reply to your continuous texts and calls.
But, I was angry. It was not a petty issue. Maybe it was negligible for you; but for me, it was much more. I still can't just find a way to let you know how much I care for you. I just hope you'll understand. I know that I've hurt you, I shouldn't have over reacted.
But, sweetheart, I am sorry.. I really am!

Even I miss your nonstop chatter. I miss the way you make me listen to your endless random stories. I miss you pause when I react to some of your stories. And, I miss your chuckle at my "Ohh ho!".
Yes, I miss the nonstop texting I had.
I miss us both asking random and, sometimes, stupid questions; but answering all of them.
I miss...well, You.
In a matter of just one day! Amusing, this attachment!

I look at you. Again.. And somehow feel, that I shouldn't leave you on your own, not today..
Perhaps, you just need this cajoling. Maybe, you want me to make you talk.
I feel like if I don't try today, this would just add up to my regrets all the more.
I feel like if I don't make you stay today, I'd be pushing you away a lot more.

I give you a hug and whisper in your ears.
Even a midst all the noise around us — of the vendors, of the traffic, of the people — we both have found our own solace in each other's arms.

I do look up at the sky only to smile at it.
Alas! I am killing my ego, one day at a time.

Marine Drive

We both walked the promenade, and are now sitting on the pavement, facing the beautiful sea.
I am trying, to get you talk to me; but, it's all in vain. I am telling you my stupid stories. You chuckle a bit. But, again get back in the same mood. I am reading out our old chats to you, reminding you of a beautiful moment we shared. It doesn't affect you.

I go silent wondering my mistake might have been a huge one and that is why such reactions from you. I try to recall things from the last night's chat. I think that it was a petty thing. You really should have forgiven me. But, I look at you, and you look away. I know I'm not forgiven. 
I don't know what to do. It seems impossible to coax you into talking it out. I feel helpless.
I look at the sea and the city that has connected us.

I miss you talk. I miss you listen to my stories. I miss you react and want to listen more. And, I miss you talk about your office stories. Though, there really are none. All you keep telling me is that it was a boring day. I miss the non stop texting I had with you. I miss us both asking random and, sometimes, stupid questions; but answering all of them.
I miss...well, You. 
In a matter of just one day! Funny, this attachment!

I look at you again.. And somehow feel, I should leave you on your own.. 
Perhaps, you don't need this cajoling. Maybe, you don't want to talk, not today.
I feel like a drop in the ocean holding back to add in more.
I feel like a drop in your ocean holding back to push it more.

I give you a hug and leave without making an eye contact.
Even a midst all the noise around us — of the vendors, of the traffic, of the people — we both have nurtured personal commotions in our heads.

I do turn around only to see you looking at the sea.
Alas! I am losing it to your ego, one day at a time.

PS: You can read the guy's side of the story here. 

Holding on!

While he was leaving, he stopped at the door, turned around and stepped forward.
We hugged.
I couldn't let go of him for some minutes.
We were talking while in that hug. Talking about how things will change in a matter of some 3-4 years and how we both won't be able to help it. I'll be gone. We could not be meeting. What when we'll need each other at times when we'll be low?
Conversations and messages will reduce. 'Keeping in contact' will fade sooner or later.
Of course, the love will stay. The bond cannot be changed ever. His place in my life cannot be replaced.
He's the best friend I've ever had. That fact is not gonna change.
But, come to think of it practically, everything will change.

I think I thought a million thoughts while being in that five minutes hug. But could share with him only ten of those thoughts.
Yes, the heart was so full that the eyes overflowed.

He sat me down. Tried calming me. I wasn't sad or upset. I had just got emotional.
He told me he had the best thing to cheer me up. And with that he pulled out a paper from his wallet.
A page that comes straight from his diary that we all had filled in when we were in class 9th...
He, since then, has kept that folded page as a souvenir in his wallet. 
That page dates back to 2007. And it still preserves my handwriting in black ink.
There! That guy had the best prick to burst the bubble of my emotions.
I held it for ten seconds. Just scanned it. Didn't have the courage to read it.
Still, the mere feel of that old paper and of that old cherished friendship made me break down..

And he? He was laughing hard looking at me crying like a baby..
I hit him several times and started laughing along.
I was stupidly switching between breaking into tears and breaking into laughter every ten seconds.
I was cursing him for showing me that page, loving him for staying, hitting him for laughing at me and just hugging him for no reason ..

You know,
there are moments in your life when you want the time to pause..
And there are moments when you want to capture a moment and lock it in an air tight jar so that you don't lose them ever..

I still don't know which one I would have opted for this particular moment I shared with him.

Some things are so beautiful that you are just left speechless.

(This story was shortlisted under the category of Flash Fiction for the online writing contest 'Wordweavers' held every year by the University of Mumbai's Department of English Alumni.)

Unable to Stay, Unwilling to Leave

Fiction. Part I.

You know, I had given up hopes on him. Lost it to his indecisiveness, to his ignorance and to his casual behavior towards our relationship. I used to cry my nights thinking about the love we shared, the promises, all the good memories with him and then why he was behaving so. I used to ask myself repeatedly, what went wrong? What went SO wrong?

But he just didn't seem to bother. He didn't even have the time to talk, to sort it out. I was just waiting for his one call-one call full of his explanations, his reasons, his endless requests for forgiveness, and loads of new promises, loads of Baby-I'll-never-do-this-again s and we'll be fine. I'll forgive him and we'll start it fresh. Love all over again. 

But nothing happened. No phone call came. I waited for one such call for almost four months.

Those four months went into nothingness. I cut myself from the world. Friends had complaints. Mum was worried. I just didn't know what to do. I didn't want to talk to any friend about it either. Maybe, didn't want to hear what my brain already knew and the heart wouldn't just accept. Everybody would say "Amy, it's time you stop thinking about it. He's not worth it." "Why are you wasting your time on it?" "Have you seen yourself?" "You've lost it!" "He doesn't just deserve you."

I know I had tricked myself into believing that things will work out at the end.
But, yeah, probably they were right. Probably, he didn't deserve me.

26th May. Two days before my goddamn birthday. That was the day. I was done with it. How did the birthday matter anyway now!
At 02 hours, I called him up, woke him up from his bloody sleep and told him that I'm calling it off with him. I was crying a lot. Can hardly remember what I talked to him about. Or if I spoke up what was on my mind or if I complained or if I made him count every mistake of his. I don't remember anything at all. Went to sleep directly then. 

Morning saw me the worst ever. I couldn't see myself in the mirror. I had swollen eyes, messy hair, dizzy walk and a severe headache. I checked my phone. Damn! My eyes hurt too. No missed calls. 3 msgs. None of them were from Tanmay. It hurt. Which one hurt more, the head or the heart, I don't know. 

I quickly escaped everybody's eyes and went for a bath.
One hour bath. One hour breakfast.
Mum was continuously complaining. I was hardly listening. I could think about the song " Numb"'s video. It showed something similar. It was a mirror of my feelings too!
I was cursing myself for still expecting a text/ call from him.
For a moment, nothing moved. Everything was stationary.
The next moment, everything was spinning around. The chairs, the sofa, the TV, mum, me!!
Till afternoon, I had had 4 huge chocolate bars. I didn't know what else to do.
I paced from the room to the hall all day long. Cried on the terrace, in the washroom, while watching stupid serials. Missed every friend's call. Ignored every text. Flipped channels. Ate ice cream. Put extra kohl in my eyes. Yelled at mum. Banged doors. 

The commotion inside was creating a chaos outside too.
Aggrrhhhhh! I was restless. Anxious. Depressed. Hurt. Agitated. Frustrated. In rage. In pain.
I wanted to break out on the streets and shout! 

I wanted to punch the wall I was staring at. 

I wanted to throw my phone for not flashing a call with his name.. and his picture, too.

To be continued...

A perpetual conversation

She couldn't go to the bed with a heavy heart. Her heart and brain were conversing so loud that she had to write it down. She picked up her new 2013 diary and scribbled along...

20th January 2013.
00:44 hours

Right now, I don't want to tell you how good this day was. I know I am one lazy ass.
I am grateful for today.
But, my heart is heavy and I can't really conclude the reason/s. I just had a chat with him on WhatsApp. I hate to admit this but he's one person I cannot stay mad at.
He was pissing me off with every next statement of his but I still continued the chat.
It's rude to hang up on somebody, no? Besides, his opinions really matter to me.
Then why does he has to say things that hurt me??
Argghh! I want to punch him, hold his collar and ask him what does he want!!
He can't talk straight to me ever? For once, tell me things sweetly? I wonder does he even has that side?!
Oh of course he does! Haven't you seen him when he gets all protective and caring for you? 
Whatever! You please don't consider his once-in-a-lifetime-gestures an achievement!
He must be concerned and worried himself...
Stop it girl! This angel voice is irritating me all the more!
*Silence*

The anger slowly turned into anguish.

I don't know what and how much I mean to him. I don't even know why it's bothering me so much. Or that why he means this much to me. I cannot even say things that confidently as he could say about me. How do I find it out after all?

But, he has been there!
Or maybe I've always dragged him along?
Or maybe I've always lived with this illusion?

I don't know!
I don't knowwwwww!!!
All this is so irritating. I don't even know what's irritating me exactly!
And that's more irritating! Damn!!

I want to know! 
I want to know what's with me and this mystery regarding him.
I. want. to. know.

Day 2

*The 30 Day Blog Challenge*

I named my blog "Ripples of my thoughts" because.. my blog. Haha. :D

Well, I like the concept of ripples. You just slightly touch the water and it sends out beautiful and long lasting ripples till the end.
I loved to fantasize this for my thoughts as well.
Watching the ripples happen or making them happen gives a strange and subtle joy -maybe I could term it contentedness- just like you get after watching a beautiful sunset or a pretty sunflower field.
My blog has always been the same for me. Hence the name. :)

Ripples captured on a drizzly evening at the terrace.

The thing that got me blogging is my passion for words.

I always wanted to write whatever thoughts I had running on my mind.

Facebook status updates were one way to express but that time it limited the update to 420 characters, which was very less for me. Especially when I had so much to tell every single time... 

Every time I wrote a status update, Facebook asked me to cut down on the characters. That was such a hard time! 

Somewhere, squeezing the update to 420 characters meant deleting some feelings too!

And so I started with my journey of blogging.
Every time I had something amazing or unusual happening in my life, I made a silent note in my mind to preserve it through my words.
Sometimes, I couldn't write it. The other times(/memories/thoughts) have been penned down in the form of various posts on this blog. :)
 

I wrote all this in my first post Words too. But, writing it all again has kind of motivated me to write more. Perhaps, it’s true that the more you stay in touch with the purpose of a goal, the more you work towards it.
:)

And surely, for me, Boyzone gets it the best-

"It's only words, and words are all I have to take your heart away..."

Day 1

*The 30 Day Blog Challenge*

I thought a lot but couldn't come up with a good introduction. (Honest!)
So, for now, refer to my blogger profile.
 

Ten interesting facts:

1. I can tackle any situation except when I am hungry. Hunger makes me cranky.

2. I do not wear heels.

3. I am very particular about my things. Touch them without my permission, and you’ll be taken for a ride to hell. 

4. I absolutely love photographs. My whole life revolves around photographs. I don't remember things that well so I memorize them in pictures.

5. I can talk to anybody and everybody. Yes, if I am standing in a queue, I’ll break the ice and start talking to the person behind me. (The one standing ahead of me is usually never interested. I have no idea why!) I can practically start a conversation within 15 seconds.

Because, I don’t like the awkward silences. I like smiles and importantly, ease and comfort around. So I create it. Simple! And how much ever risky/stupid it sounds and seems, but I don’t hesitate to strike conversations with the co passengers, store owners, waiters and even the sabjiwalas.

6.  When I am alone and tensed and talking to myself aloud, I kind of start singing my sentences! (Okay, don’t laugh please!) 

I sing them in pattern and eventually forget about my problems. It happens subconsciously but I am sure I will draw out one song from that shit someday.

7. I believe in the philosophy that the best things in life come for free. [examples: starry nights, rains, laughter, hugs and kisses, etc.] :)

8. I multitask a lot. I can do a lot of jobs at one time efficiently. I can even talk with two people on different topics, even be angry at one and laugh at a joke with another-together. 

9. I can never give up on the words "Sorry" and "Thank you". Even if the friends get irritated.

10. I love love.

When I am at my best! 
:)

Picture credits: Amol Khade