Owning 28

Picture from my birthday dinner :)

I turned twenty-eight this year.

For the past three years, I have felt the fear in my heart related to my age. I had started repelling the thoughts about being 25/26/27 yo and experienced an awkwardness when anybody talked or asked me about it. I guess conditioning is deep-rooted in our systems. We're all expected to marry at a certain age/settle in our careers/think about managing a household/know how to cook meals/earn good/think in a certain way, in a certain direction/worry about growing older/changing skin, hair, body, hormones/worry about not finding a partner/worry about not being able to find one/be a part of everything/do all the conventional things, etc. etc. Basically, being fine AF to put up a show anywhere we go. Ugh. Age is not just a number, apparently. A lot of things are involved here.

But, over the same three years, I started focusing more on my own self. One thing at a time. I slowly started discovering the dainty details about my personality and my thought process. Some observations happened accidentally, some were too striking. I observed how I respond to hatred, to mean comments, to love and how I actually feel when I am approached by someone randomly at a cafe. Ah. Do I really want to give them my number? No.

I now know I do not procrastinate everything - only workouts. I know how exactly I crumble inside while listening to/reading humans behaving insensitively with nature and with animals. I grew up a vegetarian because of the home environment, but I questioned, researched, talked to a lot of people only to figure I am a vegetarian by choice because I really feel close to the animals, and eating them is not something I'd ever prefer.

I learned that I am paranoid about locking the car as soon as I get in, but not paranoid about anybody driving rash around me, or even trucks and buses sharing the same road/lane. I was, at one point, but not anymore. I am a confident and skilled driver, but I am scared about somebody randomly opening my car door.

I figured some food allergies and also the fact that panic is not my first reaction in a stressful situation, I am really graceful under pressure. But a closed one saying one negative word would put my heart on a race.

I basically am discovering how I function in life and even how exactly I like my silly lemon soda. 

It's an amusing process. And it's ever so ongoing. I'm seeing it, observing it and acknowledging things as a third person even, at times. It needs watering with good feelings–regularly, it needs building a strong support system–people to fall back on, it needs forgiveness and a heart as light as a box of tissues, and as warm as gooey brownies. It requires you to be gentle with yourself.

I am kinda on the other side of the grass–rather of this garden I've planted, you know. I feel relaxed. I am in sync with myself and I am moving at my own pace. I am not bothered about turning twenty-eight and I won't shy away from talking about it now. I, in fact, feel good to be twenty-eight. Investing in myself has made me confident and crazy. And this awareness of self has brought me more life and less rush. 

In retrospect, I see how well I've evolved. It makes me feel good, and proud, and happy. It makes me feel close to myself. I trust myself with my life more now, I don't freak out much–even if I do, I can calm myself down easily. I deal with people better because I'm at peace with myself.

I never thought I'd think all this or like this in my early twenties. At that time, a single thought of late-twenties used to freak me out. Haha. But here I am and trust me, it's all chill.

It may sound alien or fancy or aspirational or the feelings might just sound basic. But these just sound mine to me. I have me. And I think that is the most beautiful thing ever.

4 a. m.

Some nights remind me of the way I would turn to hold you and you'd be snoring away in peace. And just when I would be loving the pretty sight, you'd wake up like you never were sleeping in the first place.

 

Some nights take me back to the cosy feeling of having you by my side. It would make me miss you, but I rather keep the comfort of your memories closer, than brood over your absence.

Some nights are restless like the fidget after a fight – turning sides and sitting uptight. Lying down again to sleep, but feeling every ounce of the existing havoc. Sometimes, I even hear the rattles in the dreams and wake up aghast. 

Sometimes, there's a cloud hovering right above me, ready to just rip apart and drench me with the thoughts of how I'd survive without you. More of, how you'd survive without me. On some nights, there's rain in the bed, too.

But some nights, there's all of this.

The comfort, the longing.
The tears, the agony.
The love, the memories.
The moments, the pain.
And more. A lot more. 

But sleep's far, far out of sight.

Full Circle

From where we stand, 

To where we end

Cutting off ties one by one

Distancing a bit on every turn

Letting love, not differences dissolve

Making it easy for ourselves to move on 

Coming to a full circle of life, are we?

From where we stand,

From where we begin

Gambling a string of emotions together

Trying to contemplate the way further

Letting a bit of our egos dissolve 

Letting a bit of each other evolve

Coming to a full circle of life, aren't we?

To the Cafés of Indore

To the Cafés of Indore,

You beautifully done places, how have you been?
How has the footfall been recently? Is it good, like the time you opened up? Or the new café round the corner has stolen your thunder? Never mind! Another café will be taking it's place sooner.

I am sure you must be still shining with all those fancy lights in the evening. But you guys need to hide (read, remove) that dingy lil painting now. Your couches are wearing out too. Take care of yourselves, no?

How is Ms. Kitchen doing? Serving the same old items? Whatever happened to new introductions and "today's special" gestures?
And OMG! I totally forgot, whatever happened to taste? Stopped serving it all of a sudden, didn't we?

I come here for a freshly brewed machine coffee. Also, nicely done coffee. The one you proudly show in the amazing pictures in your ads. Get me? The one that has hearts and trees and butterflies and bees on them. Oh those pictures are from the internet? Oops, my bad.

Let's skip talking about the core authentic food already... but even the taste of your pizzas and pastas, burgers and noodles is also so Indian. I love my country and I'm proud of it's rich and varied heritage, much inspired are we?
And talk about the quantity of your food. It's not even stomach-filling yaa.. Nevertheless, you conveniently charge a bomb for it.

Have you ever thought of the music you play? The music has to be soft and melodious.. But you'd play Honey Singh or similar. Like seriously, who plays Dope-shope and Chittiyaan Kallaiyaan in a café?
Sab khairiyat toh hai na, bhai?

Oh and your people who get us the menu card and come to take the orders, have they been captured straight from the jail? No? I thought so because they can't even be nice.
Forget having knowledge about what they have on the menu!

Your sofas have sunken-ed in, the menu cards are in bits and the tables are not really clean. But who cares? Your guests are here for coffee.. Which is not made that well, but well, again, who cares?
The customers are used to it. Nobody complains. So it's okay, right?
Some of you do have a suggestion box / diary though. (Covered with dust, never paid attention to, etc.)

Dear Café Owners,
Have you ever visited your café through somebody else's eye?
I bet, anybody would tell you how much you NEED to train your staff.
I am sure you must have tasted stuff to keep a check but most of the times, I think you take your customers - people who give you business and also, keep you in business - way too lightly.
Café business is just not about coffee and food. People visit cafés for experiences.
Don't forget that if even a couple of bad experiences are able to voice out well, they can cost you a fall.

Value the visitors, make good coffee and food, serve them quality, play soft and beautiful music, and maybe keep a book or two for the solo visitors?
Make our experience worthwhile of the money we are ready to spend. And I don't know if I can stress this enough, but at least please train your staff to greet, be nice and most importantly, smile at the visitors?

In expectation of better things and times ahead,
Priyanka.

Time After Time

There was dryness in the air. The colors of the flowers were lost. 

The jackets were packed and a final goodbye was made.

The winter was over. 

And before she could know, the sun started blazing!

Now, the sun would be blamed for all the tiffs. 

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was responsible for not noticing it enough..

However, it was over.

She couldn't help, but wonder if she was the only person who missed feeling spring this season...